Bold As Lions | Chad DePew

Chad DePew shares with us how we wrestle with the first responder identity crisis and lay out a path to move from wounds to scars, from constant vigilance to real rest. We share four identity traps and four steps to reclaim a life rooted in something that outlasts the badge.

• role slowly overtaking identity and worth
• job changes perception and habits at home
• wounds versus scars as a healing frame
• four identity traps shaping burnout and shame
• hypervigilance cycle and recovery needs
• boldness grounded in faith, not performance
• daily practices of prayer, Scripture, and church
• practical boundaries for off‑duty recovery
• surrender as strength and asking for help

Chapters

• 0:00 Identity On The Front Lines
• 1:15 When The Role Becomes The Person
• 3:20 How The Job Changes You
• 5:20 Wounds, Scars, And Healing
• 7:30 Seeking Balance And Real Rest
• 9:50 The Cost Of A Temporary Identity
• 12:20 Four Identity Traps Introduced
• 13:40 Trap One: Overcommitment To The Job
• 16:00 Trap Two: Emotional Exhaustion
• 19:10 Trap Three: Always On Duty
• 23:00 Hypervigilance At Home
• 26:30 Trap Four: PTSD And Shame

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

So this morning, I want to talk about how we do that, how we become bold on the front lines on our faith, and how we survive a career as a first responder without losing our identity in the process. And again, talk about a God thing. Remember Jeremy this morning, he talked about losing your identity to the role. And I'm actually talking about that exact same thing. So I have to believe God was in this and really just align these messages this morning. And I gotta believe that somebody needs to hear it, right? So as we talk about being bold in our identity, we have to first admit that we cannot be bold at anything that we aren't grounded in. And for us to be able to truly face the first responder identity crisis that we all know too well, we have to ask ourselves a really tough question. And that question is this Is our identity truly rooted in Christ or in the role we serve? For many first responders, the identity crisis happens when the role slowly becomes a takeover the person, when what you do becomes who you are. Your value gets tied to performance, to control, being needed, and when those things are threatened, so is your sense of self-worth and self-being. And over time, that emotional exhaustion, isolation, and loss of peace because you're carrying a weight your soul was never designed to hold. And when your identities are rooted in the job instead of Christ, the front lines just don't test you. They will consume you. Throughout this conference, we've talked about being bold and protecting yourself, boldness through righteousness, and boldness in your faith. But we can only be bold in the things that truly make up our identity. Those things are truly that are part of our DNA. And I've no doubt that every single one of you in this room have accepted that carrying a badge comes with a heavy responsibility, and that badge is now a part of who you are. But have you ever thought about what it means when that identity your identity starts to become that of a first respond responder no longer who you are?

unknown: 2:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 2:03

I had a firefighter joke in there. I'll skip there. Is there any firefighters in the room? I uh for the sake of time, I'll skip my firefighter joke. But I got plenty of them. Catch me at the break. You know, when we uh there's no doubt the job that we do, it will follow us home to some degree because this job will forever change you in some way. But when your identity becomes start part of your role, it means the job uh becomes a lens, the lens through which you see everything, including your value, your purpose, and your pain. It means that success feels like being needed, and failure feels like letting everyone around you down. It means silence when it comes to struggles because we're supposed to just handle it, aren't we? Handle it and go to the next call. But when your identity becomes too connected to your role, you just don't respond to emergencies, you become the emergency. The reality is if you answer the call being a first responder, then our role to some degree must become part of our identity. And don't misunderstand what I'm saying. There's no way to truly, completely disassociate what you do as a first responder with your identity. Because that training and mental fortitude that you all go through, the guts it takes to do what you have to do, will no doubt change you because it's not something that turns on and off as you go on and off duty. But we have to recognize that what we do will change us. It'll change our personality, it'll change how we interact with other people and how we look at the world in general. I remember being a young uh cop uh you know 20 or some years ago and like laughing at the older veterans who are like super paranoid, never left without a firearm, um, you know, couldn't go out in public, and that's that's exactly who I am now, right? I never saw it coming, did not predict that for myself, but nevertheless, here I am. Something I you know fought so hard against becoming, I quickly became myself. And no doubt there's plenty of you in here in this room that can relate to that. And it's it's not always convenient. You know, the hap the hypervigilance that we have, that need to be out in public and always scanning the room, looking for uh you know, people's body language and tones to change. It's not super convenient, but that's something we have to learn to manage. And so what I'm getting at with all this is even though the job will change you, it doesn't mean those changes have to be harmful. It's important that we recognize as we go throughout the job of a first responder, we'll develop wounds, right? But we have to recognize those wounds don't have to infect us. See, a wound is an injury to the body, mental, emotional, blow that's yet to heal. If not properly treated, that wound will become infected. It'll cause damage both on the surface of your skin and internally, if not properly addressed. The exact same way, PTS, emotional trauma, and the baggage that we carry will eventually eat us away from the inside out. The unfortunate part is usually by the time we recognize as a first responder, we've reached that crossroad of criticalness that impacts relationships, careers, and even our lives. So my point to all this is that the job will change you, but you can walk away with scars and not wounds. You see, an untreated wound can be deadly, but a scar is a story to tell. That scar can be a testimony that uplifts others and helps others to survive. So my challenge to you today is how do we strike that balance? Because after all, that same hypervigilance that keeps us alive on the job is that same hypervigilance that can destroy us mentally and emotionally in our personal life. And it's quite possible you're sitting here thinking, well, there's no way to turn that off. It's so ingrained in me. You know, that's an impossible task. And I'll tell you, you're right. If you think you can try to strike that balance yourself, you'll fall and you'll stumble. But I encourage you to look around, look around your brothers and sisters in this room, people going through similar experiences, willing to lock arms with you today and walk alongside you. And above all, God, the creator of this world, invites us to lay our baggage down and let him carry the load. Jesus tells us in Matthew 11, 28, come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. And just like Pastor Raz talked about last night, rest is so important. And that may be, that may feel impossible to you, but maybe it's because you're trying to bear that load by yourself instead of surrendering it to the cross. So for those of you taking notes, this is uh the next, I think I have it on the next slide. I want you to write this down. As you talk about our identity, we have to address the core problem. And that core problem is putting our identity in something that's temporary. And a total investment in a temporary identity will lead to lasting damage. I say none of this to speak poorly of the oath that we all took, the things that we all signed up for, the things and the career that we love so much. Um, you know, being a police officer has been the most fulfilling and rewarding career I ever could imagine. But we have to recognize it's temporary. The role, the title that we have today will eventually be gone. No matter how many good or experiences I've had or still continue to have, that one day will be a part of my history. You know, one day that title that we hold so dearly today will be given to somebody else. If you don't believe me, ask anybody in the room that's retired. It will go away. The organization will just continue to roll on. And if we are not grounded with our identity in Christ, that'll cause damage to us. And sadly, there's been first responders take their lives over that very issue. So we have to recognize that every one of us is replaceable. Like it or not, every one of us is replaceable. Not our personalities, not our dedication, not our character, not our integrity, but the title we hold will eventually be gone. And knowing that it'll be gone doesn't mean we we give up today. You know, we treat each and every day with the honor that it is to be a first responder, to serve uh one another, to serve our communities. And there's no greater call to care for God's children. But challenge if you have not placed your eternal soul in Christ as your foundation, you're you will ultimately struggle with your identity to find your sense of self-worth outside of being a first responder. So I put together what I call four identity traps that we fall into as first responders. Uh, number one, uh first identity trap is the intense commitment to the job. You know, all of you work in high-pressure environments. Uh, you know, these are jobs that demand your full time, your full attention, your full commitment mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually at times. And we don't get to show up halfway, right? We don't get to show up way halfway because our lives or somebody else's life could depend on it. We have to recognize over time that constant output will leave our energy depleted and your reserves running empty. Job doesn't just demand your time, it demands your heart, your attention, and your emotional bandwidth. And without realizing it, that job can start to take precedence over everything else in your life. That commitment will become the central focus of your life, relationships will start to fade away, hobbies will start to fade away. Our personal well-being becomes secondary to the mission, to the job that we report into. And while the job continues to ask for more, there's little left to give the people in our lives that matter most. And no doubt some of the spouses, partners, family members in the room are probably nodding their heads. It's one of the things I love most about these events when uh those family members, significant others, as they hear speakers talking, the light bulbs start to go off. Like, huh. Okay, that's maybe not normal, but it's normal for first responders, right? You see, the danger for the first responders is not that we care too much about the jobs, that the job becomes a primary place for our identity, our purpose, and our worth. And when that happens, anything that threatens the job or threatens that identity begins to feel like a threat to us as a person. Second trap, mental and emotion, excuse me, emotional and mental exhaustion. So no doubt the emotional weight of this job is unlike anything people ever experience. You know, day after day responding to grief, responding to trauma. Respond, I think uh Pastor S said it last night. Most uh first responders see more traumatic events in one shift than people will see in the rest of their lives. But over time, that constant exposure to trauma can lead to burnout, secondary trauma, emotional fatigue, and generally to the point where the first responders don't realize it until it's become too late. And the problem is, especially to law enforcement in the room and firefighters, you know, when we're trained to be the world's problem solvers, we often rely on ourselves to cope, right? We think I need to be tougher, I need to be stronger, so I can handle this. Because it's just part of the job, right? We have to internalize it, we have to be strong, we have to move on. My question is, is how well is that working for you? How well is that working? Do we truly deal with our emotions and our experiences and our trauma, or do we suppress them and go on to the next call? Do we live in denial about these struggles, about telling ourselves that weakness, we tell ourselves weakness isn't an option, that the only solution is to become tougher, or we'll even re resort to dark humor, right? As a coping mechanism. Now, granted, some of the funniest things I've ever heard have been dark humor in very inappropriate times, don't get me wrong. But we have to be realistic, that's not that's not a healthy coping mechanism, right? Joking about something's not the same thing as healing from it. And again, too often we cope by telling ourselves we just have to be stronger, that it relies on us, we have to go through this alone, nobody understands us. But my question is, what happens when we aren't strong enough to carry that load by ourselves? What happens? Number three, pressure of always being on duty. So for most of us, uh, even when you're off duty, you stay in that state of hypervigilance. And uh the continue that continued state of being uh hypervigilance overdrive can uh permit you from, or prohibits you rather, from disengaging or relaxing or spending time with your families and friends. Um there's a book, and I seems like most of our audience is primarily uh law enforcement, but regardless of uh what you serve, there's a book written by a guy named Kevin Gilmartin called Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement. Highly recommend everybody in this room, uh family, spouses, partners, etc., to read that also. He talks about hypervigilance and the impact that it has on the human mind and the human body. So in his book, uh there's a quote I pulled, and he says, After being in a heightened state while on duty, the first responder can often slip into exhaustion, apathy, detachment, and isolation, even when at home. Over time, the body can find it challenging to return to healthy median, healthy level of arousal when off duty and tends to exist only in two extremes of highly vigilant and indifferent. That indifferent state is what he calls the couch potato. How many first responders will go eight, ten, twelve, twenty-four hours if you're a firefighter, 100 miles an hour nonstop, but get home, you're on the couch, you're on the recliner, completely tuned up from your family. It's because that hypervigilance, when that adrenaline dumps from your body, you have nothing left in you. So if our again, spouses, friends, family members in the room understand maybe they aren't just ignoring you, but their bodies experiencing something they weren't made to handle. And we have really good data now that when our bodies go through cycles of hypervigilance, it can take at least 18 to 24 hours and up to 72 hours to recover from the amount of hypervigilance a first responder experiences in just one shift. So if we don't take time to rest, disengage from the job, spend time with our loved ones, our bodies will begin to program themselves around the hypervigilance cycle. That puts us in a position where we're giving everything, all that we have, when we clock in at work, when we clock off duty, we've got nothing left. We have to understand we have to strike that balance and recognize hypervigilance is what it is. Hypervigilance is a survival skill. You know, the hypervigilance is not optional, it's what keeps us alive while on the job, but we have to recognize that it's a tool. It's a tool, it's not a state of mind. And we have to recognize there's that constant tension between what keeps us safe on duty can slowly destroy us off duty if we let it take over. And I'm guilty, as this is everybody. You walk into the restaurant, where do you sit? Back of the restaurant, back against the wall, right? My kids know when we go to a movie theater, we're sitting in the back row. You know, we view the world around us through a threat-based assessment. And it's fine if we have strike some healthy balances, but we have to strike those balances so it doesn't consume us when we're off duty. We have to learn to tell our minds and our body, I'm off duty now. It means saying yes to those family outings that maybe you typically would avoid, doing things you're uncomfortable doing, letting your guard down just a little bit. And see, that's the problem with hypervigilance because in our role it never feels optional because we begin to believe we're only valuable when we're alert and ready to perform the job. But here's the good news when your identity is in Christ, you can rest. Like a pastor shared with us last night, when your identity is in Christ, you can rest. Not because the world around us is any safer, but because the God we serve is sovereign. Scripture tells us to be alert, but also tells us to rest. Psalm 4.8 says, In peace I will lie down and sleep. For you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety. And although God called everyone in this room to be a protector, he didn't call you to bury that load alone or to be a protector everywhere you go. Number four, uh fourth, number four identity trap, the struggle with PTSD and trauma. So most of us in the room know that PTSD, or excuse me, that um uh PTSD depression and suicide rates are higher in the first responder community. PTSD and depression specifically are five times higher in the first responder world than civilian population. And uh read a really interesting study, uh, the suicidality of firefighters. Um of course, uh, we know firefighters they have rather high suicide rates as well. And the study revealed that firefighters have a higher rate of suicide than general population, but for law enforcement officers, it was off the charts, even higher. But what I found in that study was something just truly heartbreaking, but I think a comment everyone in this room can relate to. Again, we're talking of first responders seeking help for suicidal ideations. This this study in particular said one of the number one reasons the first responders don't seek help and are fearing suicidal is because they feel the shame that it would bring them would conflict with their desire to be brave and tough. So sad, but so true. That we're willing to put our lives on the line over that mask, that perception that we are brave, that we are tough, that we can handle it. To the point cops and firefighters are ending their own lives because they're unwilling to take off that mask. To pick up that radio, as Jeremy says, and call for help. We put so much and so much weight and so much emphasis on that mask and pretending to be brave and to be tough that we're unwilling to take off that mask and ask for help when we need it. So, and I'll go through this quickly for the sake of time because I'm standing between you guys and lunch. So I completely uh understand that. So, bad enough, uh Adrian makes me talk after Jeremy Stallnecker's a phenomenal speaker, but I'm before lunch too, so we'll get through this quickly. So, what I'm gonna talk about now is how do we reclaim our identity? How do we start to begin to unravel that baggage, that trauma we have of the first responder, recognizing that it will to some degree change you? How do we walk out with only scars and not wounds and begin to reclaim our identity? So I put together just four steps here. Step one, put your identity in the eternal, and God, our Creator, and accept the gift of salvation that Jesus has for you. Earlier I said in Matthew 11, 28, Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Let's check out verses 29 and 30. It says, Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, my burden is light. Isn't that awesome? That's Jesus Himself telling us, you don't have to go through this alone. He's saying, Cast your cares on me. And we can find peace through surrender, peace through obedience, peace when we turn over those experiences, those traumas, that hypervigilance, turn it over to God. You know, it's funny, throughout my career, I don't know how many times I've heard the comment of, well, I don't know how you can be a Christian and be a police officer. I think, wow, I don't know how I could ever have been a cop if I wasn't a Christian. Truly, without God seeing me through some of these um, you know, horrific things, like uh, you know, our nurse mentioned earlier, I don't know where I'd be right now. I truly don't. Because even as a Christian, all those things, those experiences, um, those deaths, those terrible situations will forever live with you. But I have a higher belief in God, that God has a plan. And he's put me here for a reason. Okay, step two pursue God. So, you know, you hear people see, well, I found God or God found me. I got news for you. God never went anywhere. If you don't feel close to God, you might be the problem because he's here. But God wants us to pursue him, and I think it's important that we recognize. That. So Matthew 5:6 says, Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for righteousness, for they shall be filled. So it's important that we have to pursue God. If you want to pursue God, prayer is a good start. If you don't have a strong prayer life or you don't know how to pray, that's okay. Right? Have a conversation, have communion with God or Father. Cast your burdens on Him and ask God to fill you with that peace that only He can provide. I also recommend you read your Bible. Make reading your Bible as part of your daily routine. And for some of you, maybe there's some who who do that already. Maybe there's folks here who've never picked up a Bible. Maybe you don't believe what I'm telling you. So I came prepared with some data. There's a really good study that the Center for Bible Engagement did. And I'll just go through these quickly, but it sound that found the people who read their Bible at least four times a week. It said feelings of loneliness dropped 30%. Anger dropped 32%. Bitterness in relationships dropped 40%. Alcoholism dropped 57%. Sexual sin, promiscuity, and pornography dropped 61%. Spiritual stagnation dropped 60%, and risk of depression dropped 35%. Just by reading their Bible four times a week. So if you don't believe my faith and that I believe this to be true, there's the data. Step three, go to church and get some Christian friends. So if you're serious about seeking God and about putting your trauma and your past behind you, you need to go to church. And uh, you know, when I say go to church, I mean like physically walking through the doors of a church. Don't watch it online, don't listen to it. Pastor Rass says amen, right? There's no replacement for being around a body of believers, just like we're doing this weekend. You going through these experiences together, no doubt, has magnified that for all of you. And I get it. As for responders, going to church means we have to be around crowds and around people, two things we don't normally like. But I'm telling you, there'd be a payoff for that. As we drove closer to God, those baggage, the trauma, those things we're carrying will begin to fall off. And I can tell you this from experience. You know, I was very blessed to grow up in a Christian home. Um I was a kid growing up. We never missed a service there Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday. I carried that throughout my teen years. Uh but within a couple years of being a police officer, that stopped. Instead of being there every time the doors of the church opened, I'm now there only on Sunday mornings. And I was coming 10 minutes late and leaving five minutes early. Didn't like being around crowds, didn't like being around people. So everything I'm telling you to do right now, I wasn't doing. And, you know, I what I didn't realize my worldview had changed. I had viewed everything around me through a threat-based perspective, including the body of Christ. Isn't that sad? How many of us have also been in that same boat? What I was allowing my body, my brain to do is let the hypervigilance take over to the point it was impacting my walk with Christ. And wish I could say I was a quick learner, but I went through about a 10-year phase of my life, about 10 years. About 10 years before I realized that the darkness I was dealing with on the job kept me from fully participating in God's love. And isn't that the irony of the impact this has on our lives that we try to protect people from the darkness of this world, but too often find ourselves being pulled away from the light of God? I'll tell you, uh, one of the things that helped step me out of it is uh I married an extrovert. So that really helped. Uh so my wife and I uh started dating, got married. I always sat in the very back row of the church, and she sat in the front row. So of course we got married, we had to compromise, and now we sit in the front row. So it helps, right? It helps. Lastly, step four. Uh step four to reclaiming your identities, be bold in your identity in Christ. Talked about Proverbs 28:1, and I'll share a quick story. Uh so one time I got to see uh a 700-pound lion, like up close and personal, at a wildlife sanctuary. So if you're wondering, you know, what the difference between a wildlife sanctuary and a zoo is, um, it's safety. It's safety. That's that was my experience because there's a 700-pound lion and nothing but like a rusty old chain link fence between me and him. And like as he stared me in the eye, we just had this like mutual understanding, like I knew who was in charge. I started looking at the you know, the guys and gals around me thinking, well, I'm I'm probably faster than him. He looks pretty quick, though. So I need if I gotta run, I need to follow this guy. But anyway, uh, he gave me you know a whole new appreciation for just the sheer size of that lion and the power that it represented, and I thought it was fitting, so they're talking at bolt of a lion. So the uh the people of this wildlife sanctuary is like, hey, do you want to feed the lion? I'm like, sure. And so they give me this like giant turkey leg, and there's a little hole in the chain link fence. Oh, it was like super shady, right? Uh so I put this like giant turkey leg. That lion snaps it out of my hand, and that turkey bone, he just shattered it just with one bite. And you know, he just snapped it like it was nothing, like it really, you know, I knew who was in charge. You know, but what I learned that in that situation, that with that lion, he had no hesitation, he had no fear, he had no uncertainty. And I think that's the picture Proverbs give us when it says the righteous are as bold as a lion. You see, that lion, he wasn't intimidated by me. He knew who he was and he knew where the authority was in that situation, right? But the same way when our identity is rooted in Christ, we don't have to be timid or fearful about our faith. Our confidence doesn't come from ourselves, it comes from knowing the God we belong to. And a quick gut check that if you claim Jesus is your identity and part of your core foundation, but hide it when you're in uniform, is it really part of who you are? So we can't honestly answer that question that God is, I'm rooted in Christ and He's my identity, whether I'm in uniform or not. We probably need to drop to our knees and engage some prayer. So um as I wrap this up, I really want to challenge everyone on where you stand with your identity in Christ. You know, when we talk about our identity, we need to understand that the first priority in our life should be God. Number two is ourselves, our family, and our friends, and work should come at number three at the highest. And if you can't put your priorities in that order, I'd recommend you pray as we go throughout this weekend. And before I close, I just want to bring us back to just one simple truth that the job will change you, but it doesn't have to define you. We're never meant to carry the weight of this world alone. We're never meant to live permanently on the front lines of our jobs, and you are never meant to place your identity in something that can be taken from you, that can be replaced, or be retired. The badge matters, the calling matters, the sacrifice matters, but it's not who you are. Your true identity is not found in what you do, it is found in he who holds you. So Jesus invites you today to lay the burden down. Not someday, not when you retire, but today. He doesn't ask you to be stronger, he asks you to surrender. He doesn't ask you to hide your wounds, he offers to heal them. Some of you walked in here exhausted, tired, beat down from the job, carrying scars that you've probably never talked about. And some of you have probably just been surviving instead of truly living. So my prayer as we go throughout this conference is that you will be as bold as a lion, not because you're tougher or more fearless, but because your identity is anchored in Christ. So here's my call to action take off the mask, stop pretending you're fine, stop carrying a weight that was never meant for your shoulders to carry. Put your identity where it belongs, in the eternal and not the temporary. In Christ and not your role, in the cross, not the badge. So today, if you need prayer, ask. If you need help, reach out. If you need surrender, if you need to surrender something today, I invite you to do that. This is a space where you don't have to be brave or tough, but you need to be real. Jesus said, My yoke is easy and my burden is light, and that invitation still stands. So let this weekend be a time where you stop surviving the front lines and start living free through the freedom of God alone. God bless you. Thank you all.